Monday, March 22, 2010

wrestling.

And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. (Genesis 32:24-29)

I feel like for the past six months I've been wrestling with the issue of whether to go to seminary or not. And if not, then to do what? So many times I felt like I had come to a final decision and got excited about it. But not without a lot of frustration and re-thinking and re-thinking again about what I should do. I could never let it go - to just let whatever happens happen. A lot of the time I was probably fighting for one over the other. I'm sure the idea or hope of attending seminary was oftentimes crossing into idolatry. But I think on a good day, I was really fighting for peace from God, His blessing, for whichever path I chose to take. I just wanted to find the direction that led me closer to Him. And I wouldn't know which was right until I had (a.k.a. God graciously gave) His peace to rule in my heart. Only then could I truly "do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

As of now, I won't be going to seminary any time soon. Sad and limping, but I'm also excited. All to the glory of Him.

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