lest we forget.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

- John McCrae, "In Flanders Fields"

revealed sins.

Times like these make apparent how little faith I really have in God's plan for me.

Uncertainty.

Wait on Him, and I will see deliverance.

career change

Pros:

• get out of the actuarial career
• do something more interesting
• not working in an asian-dominated office
• no more studying for actuarial exams!
  

Cons:

• likely to lose the comfortable 9am-5pm hours
• lose Study Days
• significant increase in work pressure/hours
• not working in an asian-dominated office
  

india trip.

The India trip was like a huge constant feast, and we were treated like royalty. (Heaven will only be a crazy infinite times more awesome. and there won't be the upset stomach illnesses.) Even though I enjoyed it all, deep inside I didn't feel comfortable. It didn't seem right. The juxtaposition of the slums right up next to the expensive apartment complexes with their swimming pools only made it worse.

For I consider that the sufferings [and material riches] of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

(Romans 8:18-23 ESV)

Christ will return to restore all things. to set things right. In the meantime, God works through the body of believers to bless all people. There are things we can do for 'the least of these'.

boundless article.

An Introvert Goes to Church

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002329.cfm#share

i like this article - a lot. Something i've thought about and struggle with.

questions on my mind.

How did we decide that 'room temperature' is 22.5C (72.5F)? Will investigate.

a different nightmare.

This morning, I woke up from a weird nightmare. It started off with a horrific tragedy. But soon after that scene, it ended with me in a room with other mourners. We were supporting each other through the sorrrow, and then there was such a strong feeling of hope in Christ to restore all things. Not of Him "one day" in the future restoring us, but a very present hope that He had already begun restoring us.

When I woke up, I had that paradoxical mix of tremendous sorrow with real, rejoicing hope.

"...sorrowful, yet always rejoicing..."

But i still prefer to not have nightmares....

love hurts.

A parent can be so loving and doting over a child. And with that same child, the parent can wield a firm, sometimes harsh, hand of discipline. All of this is done in love.

And friends, brothers, and sisters should be the same way with each other. ya?

treasure.

Making my way through Francis Chan's "Crazy Love".

"True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity."

Gahhh!! so hard to do. Okay. Laying it out there... more and more.. and more..

..while expecting to receive more and more joy back! But sometimes, action (and discipline) has to come before the reward. I am not exactly like this man but growing more like him:

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field."

(Matthew 13:44 ESV)

i want to try this.

1) break a poptart in half.
2) place ice cream in between.
3) eat poptart ice cream sandwich

i am not my own.

Jen & Richard's weekend this past Saturday was awesome! and fun! And the weekend in general, I got to see old friends, hear about where they all are now and how they're doing. When it came to job or career stuff, I got to thinking: The old self would have thought me a sucker. The new self still says i'm being a fool, but beyond that, I am still loved by God.

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

-chris tomlin, 'take my life'

Oftentimes, when I'm going through trials, I try to comfort myself with something like: "God is putting me through this because it'll be for some good (practical) purpose in the future." But I can't keep leaning on that, even as "good" as it sounds. Sometimes, trials don't bear "practical" fruit, not even for ministry's sake. But all trials are to draw us closer to Him, teaching us that we can run home to Our Father. Sometimes there is no practical/ministerial purpose other than to simply remind us that God loves us and we can depend on Him. fruits of the Spirit.

that ruckus.

The worst thing about you California and Boston people is that you always leave!

a hard teaching.

http://francischansblog.blogspot.com/2008/07/prayer-americans-refuse-to-pray.html

Gahhhhh.. i can't do it...

culture shock.

Previously to moving into NYC, for 10 years I had been living on large, beautiful, nature-filled campuses of education institutions with lots of "smart" people.

a letter.

God, i miss seeing your glory and majesty.

-charles.

in a dark place.

So courageous until now,
Fumbling and scared,
So afraid You'll find me out,
Alone here with my doubt.

- David Crowder Band, A Beautiful Collision

jobs.

i think a job like an administrative aide or secretary is fairly high on my list of dream jobs.

earthquake.

There was an earthquake (magnitude 4-5.5) earlier today in parts of Ontario. Toronto felt it. I didn't think that was even possible. Never heard of that happening ever before.

sing!

Playing SingStar (karaoke game) for PS3 is a great way to sing away stress, at least for a little while.

dying for Him?

Is our sole purpose for living to die daily with joy for Christ? But i feel just the slow "dying" from Mon-Fri 9-5.

in much need of Him.

the sweet taste of defeat.

The great thing about getting rejected from Columbia is keeping all the money i've saved the past two years; as opposed to giving it all up for one year of grad school.

oh well... God's plan is a mystery indeed, but it's the best and there's never a need for a backup plan.

trusting Him...

2 years gone.

Today is my 2nd anniversary at work. wow...

pigeons.

Only after living in the city for two years do I understand why pigeons are called "rats with wings." Dirt...so so dirt....

focus.

can't focus on work. also don't feel like writing my 'statement of purpose' for grad school.

i've been out of sync with God the past several weeks.

things to come.

It's been just over a week. I'm still okay, everyone!

hiatus.

More or less after I learned of my acceptance to Cornell, my brain took a break from academics through the rest of grade 12.....and through four years of college. Consequently, and regrettably, I wasted a lot of my mom's money and I was a poor project/lab partner. But since taking this actuary job, my studying chops are up and running again, and I'm itching to go back to school. Hopefully, this time I'll be a better steward of everything that I've been given.

a movie.

watch this movie for free online (only April 20-21....so today):
http://www.christiancinema.com/lordsaveus/?src=ecard20100420b

i don't think the movie fully draws it out, but it's a place to start..

i remember my roots.

punk.

a different, non-self-destructive kind of punk:
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Romans 12:2)

"I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them [crap], that I may gain Christ and be found in him..." (Philippians 3:8-9)

"Fight the good fight of the faith." (1 Timothy 6:12)

sola fide

So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’ (Luke 17:10)

The young man said to him, “All these I have kept. What do I still lack?” Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” (Matthew 19:20-21)

“Your attachment to your possessions needs to be replaced by an attachment to [Jesus].”

- From John Piper. full manuscript here.

countdowns

How's about I start a countdown. Let's say..."7 more months!!" (Hopefully.?)

new summer project

chalking around the city with some brothers and sisters

in Christ.

Streams in the Desert

"There is a perfect passivity that is not laziness. It is a living stillness born of trust. Quiet tension is not trust but simply compressed anxiety."

Not as an athlete wrestling for a crown,

Not taking Heaven by violence of will;

But with your Father as a child sit down,

And know the bliss that follows His "Be Still!"

Mary Rowles Jarvis

Isaiah 25:6-9

You will remove the veil that is cast over the nations and wipe away every tear ever teared (teared is not a real word) caused by man's, our sins.

- Anxiously waiting for that day when I can say "Behold, this is our God, whom we have waited for!!!"

D.C.

I was inside your Whitehouse. How the heck did that happen?!?

wrestling.

And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. (Genesis 32:24-29)

I feel like for the past six months I've been wrestling with the issue of whether to go to seminary or not. And if not, then to do what? So many times I felt like I had come to a final decision and got excited about it. But not without a lot of frustration and re-thinking and re-thinking again about what I should do. I could never let it go - to just let whatever happens happen. A lot of the time I was probably fighting for one over the other. I'm sure the idea or hope of attending seminary was oftentimes crossing into idolatry. But I think on a good day, I was really fighting for peace from God, His blessing, for whichever path I chose to take. I just wanted to find the direction that led me closer to Him. And I wouldn't know which was right until I had (a.k.a. God graciously gave) His peace to rule in my heart. Only then could I truly "do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

As of now, I won't be going to seminary any time soon. Sad and limping, but I'm also excited. All to the glory of Him.

make me.

Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob.... I will make you into a threshing sledge, new and sharp, with many teeth. (Isaiah 41:14-15)

"Follow Me, and I will make you..."

Make you speak My words with power,

Make you vessels of My mercy,

Make you helpful every hour.

"Follow Me, and I will make you..."

Make you what you cannot be-

Make you loving, trustful, godly,

Make you even just like Me.

- L.S.P.

chinatown in the movies.

In the movie "Brooklyn's Finest," there are a couple scenes in front and supposedly inside my previous chinatown apartment building. Unfortunately, it's where cops do uncoply things.. at least as depicted in the movie.

not ignore.

"To seek approval from God, rather than from man" doesn't give me the ticket to ignore man altogether.

Names and Jerseys

Today I saw someone wearing a NY Rangers jersey with the name "Del Zotto". He's the younger brother of a guy that I went to high school with. I won't ever have people wearing my name on a jersey...

day in and day out

Of course it's easy to love people when I'm standing in a pew at church on a Sunday. But to do it day in and day out, Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm, at a job that I'm not particularly passionate about, and to not allow the weariness to seep into my outside-of-work relationships too, requires something or someOne greater than me.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong."

My weaknesses "are to be the platform for demonstrating the Lord's power and grace."

So if you ever see me smiling or sounding somewhat alive on a weekday during/after work, then you know that it's not because of me that I'm able to smile. But I have a reason, a Person.

Psalm 27

Can I relate this psalm to the Olympics? I think I will try...

From this year's Olympics, I have learned that it can be hard to cheer for a team that isn't supported by the majority, even if you do manage to rally some like-minded fans. The Games have served to remind me that I am not where I grew up. I am in a place where the culture, history, and values are actually pretty different. I realized that I missed Canada. And watching the beautified images on TV of British Columbia and other natural treasures across Canada, I couldn't help but feel that God had made a pretty good-looking Earth. There are parts of this Earth that are awesome, awe-inspiring, and probably fun to spend some time in. And then again, I take a step back and remember that there is only one thing that I ask of the Lord, that I will seek: "that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord."

LORD, I have fallen a little in love with the beauty of your world. Like you said, "it is good." But I haven't forgotten the Creator. I appreciate all the blessings that you shower on me, but may they all point me back towards you. I want to seek more of you, that I may grow more to trust you, run to you, and find strength in you.

continuing this stream of patriotism...

From the rollin fields of wheat to the busy city streets,

There's a feelin and a spirit all our own,

True North strong and free stand on guard, you and me,

From the East to the West we've roamed,

This is our home.

- Mike Plume, "8:30 Newfoundland"

historic.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

nytimes article

Opinionator: Allez Canada!

By TIMOTHY EGAN

Published: February 17, 2010

With so much going for it, and now the Winter Olympics too, the Canadian nation nevertheless conducts itself with unbecoming modesty.

*******

i guess it would take a fake-canadian to say it. Allez Canada! oops..sorry eh.

You're Expected | Kyria

You're Expected | Kyria

I liked this article. Comforting to know.

Excerpt:

John Todd was very young when he became an orphan. His aunt offered to take him in and sent a servant to get John. As they set out for her house, the boy's questions unveiled his fears.

"Will I like living with her?"

"You fall into good hands."

"Will she go to bed before we get there?"

"Oh, no! She'll wait up. When we get out of these woods, you'll see her light in the window."

Sure enough, as they neared the house, John saw the lighted window and his aunt standing in the doorway. When he reached the porch, she kissed him and said, "Welcome home!"

John Todd grew up in his aunt's care and became a pastor. Years later, she sent news of her impending death. Here's his reply:

My Dear Aunt,
Years ago, I left a house of death, not knowing where I was going. The ride was long, but the servant encouraged me. Finally I arrived to a new home and your embrace. I was expected; I felt safe.
Now your turn has come. I'm writing to tell you Someone's waiting up, your room's all ready, the light's on, the door's open, and you're expected!

As are you. Jesus is preparing for you a place. A perfect place of perfected people with the perfect Lord. And at the right time he'll come and take you home.

surprise visit to westminster theological seminary

i like smart people. i love people that love Jesus. westminster has a lot of both of them.

And apparently countless have said it before and I will say it too, "Stepping into their bookstore is like a dream come true."

But their library/basement/stacks is no Olin Libe/basement/stacks.... =(

Father's Heart

Vision Church has a pretty good relationship with Father's Heart Ministry Soup Kitchen/Food Pantry. There are a bunch of ways that people can serve:

• cooking
• plating or serving food
• cleaning tables
• distributing grocery bags
• traffic control (of people)
• ministry/prayer team

They're all great ways to serve people and share Christ's love. This morning I went with Vision for the first time and helped out with the prayer team. Basically, it's a lot of walking around, greeting people, talking with them, potentially sharing the Gospel, and praying for/with them if they want it. It wasn't easy but it was good. Very hard to get into any meaningful conversations when they're concerned with having their hunger satisfied first (which I don't blame them for. That's just how it is. It was the same for Jesus, i suspect.) And plus sometimes there just isn't enough time. There's a constant movement of people. They sit down, and after the food is eaten, they're up and out. So it wasn't until after the morning rush (~11am) when I got to talk with someone for more than a minute.

There was this african-american guy, Elliot. A believer in Jehovah... he did mention His Son, Jesus Christ, so.. that's good.. haha. Very nice guy. We talked for awhile and he asked for prayer. Some things he wanted me to be praying for:

• Elliot is turning 50 this year, and he has a 3-month old baby, Elijah. He really does care about his baby boy. But his relationship with Elijah's mother has been going bad. Sometimes she won't let him see Elijah. Elliot has been leaning on God to find patience and compassion as he tries to get on her good side.
• I think it's been 10 years since he quit smoking cigarettes and pot. And he credits God for that kind of strength. And for awhile now (5 yrs?) he's been struggling with cutting down on alcohol. The weird thing is, his new temp job involves distribution for some beer/liquor company. So he's trying to get through this job while waiting for a new one.
  

I can't imagine being in Elliot's shoes, but it was crazy encouraging to see how his hope is so much in God. And I hope writing all this down will help me to better remember & pray for him.

Glory to God alone.

a cross

"...who for the joy set before him endured the cross..." - Hebrews 12:2

"...take up his cross daily and follow me." - Luke 9:23

At present, going to work and studying for actuarial exams are one of the ways that i die everyday. I don't hate the job, but i don't enjoy it either. It doesn't feel as fulfilling to me right now, compared to other forms of a ministry. But God is sovereign, He doesn't make mistakes, and so I endure. But more than just enduring, i really believe that my time at this job will be used by God to further His kingdom in the future and at this very moment, God willing. To Him be the glory.

Being productive today...

Snowed-in today, and I've discovered something amazing: drinking coffee and Cherry CocaCola at the same time (but not mixed together) tastes good.

Dunno how i'll feel later...

hockey night in canada

Many of the country's great novelists have pondered hockey's role in Canadian society, Morley Callaghan calling it, "our own national drama," while Bruce Kidd and John Macfarlane described it as "the dance of life, an affirmation that despite the deathly chill of winter we are alive."
...

"It is something Canadians have seized upon that we like to think is the image the world has of us, as some industrious team...cooperative, strong, resilient, victorious, magnificent and most of all humble victors in hockey.

"It's the image we have of ourselves and what we wish the world would see when they look upon boring old Canada. The only time I have seen Canadians absolutely swagger is when they are winning at hockey."

-from an article by Reuters

KILL! KILL! KILL!

KILL THE COCKROACHES!! (that threaten to distract you from an intimate relationship with God)

Pastor Paris's message at CBS was quite timely. Not too long after dealing with the cockroach infestation in Jovi's kitchen. I hate bugs......so much... Childhood trauma. for serious.

A lesson I learned from Jovi's cockroach ordeal: It's always best to get the exterminator to fumigate the place ASAP. The idea is to get them before they're old enough to lay eggs. Otherwise you have to call the exterminator a second time to kill off the new buggers. Great! I can apply this to my spiritual life too.........

heart, mind, body, and soul.

Prone to wander, I have not allowed Christ Jesus to guard my heart. And now i'm suffering for it.. but as always, even now, "God is good". Well I don't really want to say those 3 words. Not because I don't believe it, but because it would sound like an "empty hallelujah" right now.

In honesty, I am not satisfied with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing. I have tried living in the fact that his grace is sufficient, but I still have not let go of my own desires. Is this dissatisfaction supposed to make me desire something deeper? Probably yes. I am starting to realize some of the things that I have to let go of, but knowing that His ways (and He himself) are better for me have yet to make the letting-go any less painful and me any less stubborn.

technology

I remember .txt's and .doc's,
then came along the .mp3's.
And as if that wasn't enough,
the Napsters, Morpheus and Kazaas sprung up.
Then of course Apple changed the game,
while we upload on YouTube seeking our 15 minutes of fame.

(written in a dream)

cornell.

My visit to Cornell & CBS this weekend will probably be the last one for a really long time. I might visit for this year's graduation but that's a very different experience.

Cheers!

reading a little C.S. Lewis

Satan doesn't want you dead! He wants you safe...

On being polished

"In the shadow of His hand He hid me; He made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in His quiver." Isaiah 49:2

In the "shadow"--- each of us must go there sometimes. It maybe the shadow of the sickroom, the shadowed house of grief, or the shadowed life where the sunlight has departed.
But fear not! It is the shadow of God's hand. He is leading you, and there are lessons that can be learned only where He leads. But do not assume that He has pushed you aside. You are still "in His quiver." He has not thrown you away as something worthless. He is only keeping you nearby till the moment comes when He can send you quickly and confidently on some mission that will bring Him glory. O shadowed, isolated one, remember how closely the quiver is tied to the warrior. It is always within easy reach of His hand and jealously protected. -F.B. Meyer

Canada

Of the 5 senses, I miss the sounds of Canada the most. The hacking of hockey sticks on a crudely made outdoor ice rink, the newfoundland accent with its whispers of Irish roots, the Celtic-influenced music, the sounds of relief when a person steps inside a Tim Horton's on a winter day.

free time

A couple of things I have been learning during my free time at work:

• reading korean, and
• biblical greek.

One helps me more at getting great food than the other. As to which one, i'll let you decide.

to start things off

"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." -Acts 20:24